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Maggy's MORTEM

Scully's sorrow. The cycle of a small life, never forgotten and the healing presence of one man.


Title : Mortem oppetere
Author : Maggy
Date :   2002
Rating:  PG
Category:  A, MSR, ST, MT MA
Spoilers:  Post-Emily - Memento Mori - All things
Summary : What's happened just after the discovery of tha empty coffin
Disclaimer :  I know CC, they are yours... You made them . But please let 
me to use them for another story. 

Well , translation is a hard work. The french language is difficult and 
different so without my betas : lisa, kayla and sandra, this story would 
be full of mistakes and thanks to them  there is a new dimensional, a better 
one, another life for my words that became ours . This story belong to you girls!

"I feel time like a heartbeat, the seconds pumping in my breast like a 
reckoning. The numinous mysteries that once seemed so distant and 
unreal, threatening clarity in the presence of a truth entertained not 
in youth, but only in its passage. I feel these words as if their 
meaning were weight being lifted from me, knowing that you will read 
them and share my burden, as I have come to trust no other. That you 
should know my heart, look into it, finding there the memory and 
experience that belong to you, that are you, is a comfort to me now as 
I feel the tethers loose and the prospects darken for the continuance 
of a journey that began not so long ago, and which began again with a 
faith shakened and strengthened by your convictions. If not for which 
I might never have been so strong now as I cross to face you and look 
at you incomplete, hoping that you will forgive me for not making the 
rest of the journey with you."
Dana Scully, in MEMENTO MORI


"Mulder, whoever brought this child into this world... didn't intend 
to love her.

"But that you found her... and you had a chance to love her... then, 
maybe she was meant for that too. -She found me."

"So you could save her." 


I've given my life to a cause, a quest that I see the devastating 
effect of today. Is the exigency of the truth truly worth the trouble? 
For five years, we have been fighting for it; But what is the cost? 
Everyone has an obsession of a need , an inherent desire to our being. 
We exist to strive towards finding  a part of ourselves. One succeeds 
sometimes to touch it with the fingertips but it always comes to an 
end, escaping us and also leaving behind a void of failed 

Why continue this way, when we never know where it will go? How to go 
on in a road strewn with lies and deceitful appearances, where we can 
only loose ourselves in the perception of good and the devil. 

I've dragged her with me on this quest of submissive danger, with 
emotional and physical violence, thus removing her from the chance of 
another life, a normal one, as a doctor, a woman and a mother.However, 
I can't force her to quit a quest that has become hers as well  as 
mine and especially, I can't imagine my life without her by my side. 
More than ever, we need to find answers, together.

She has that far away look into the unknown as if hypnotized by the 
her gold cross balancing before her face. This gift from mother to 
child should have protected the person who wore it. But this time, its 
power seems to have been swept aside by the tragic and inconceivable 
death of a child, who was never mean to be.

Her bravery and tenacity to understand amaze me one more time and I'm 
always surprised at the vitality of her strength, this subtle blend of 
passion and intelligence that exudes this body seemingly so fragile. 
The crises she lives with only demonstrates a more mature expression, 
a deeper look, where I can read the unrelenting  fight, a stubborn 
struggle against adversity and death.

Silent, damaged in my own pain, my thoughts envelop me in a sort of a 
cloud loaded by contradictions that bury me in a certain confusion. I 
feel suddenly walled in black, unable somehow to speak to her, to 
approach her almost as if I was an infinite distance from her, and 
she'd run away from me before I'd be able to rejoin her. This fear 
holds me still while minutes pass and a terrible languor begins inside 
me. I see now that our silence reveals the awful reality.

It's as if the time has stopped and suddenly has separated us to 
create two untenably lonely people, where harmonious union is 
unreachable. It has been lost in violence and the dreadful mystery of 
distress that capricious fate has granted us. Uncontrollable things 
inside us wound us when we are confronted with death, acting like a 
chasm of solitude between us.

My mind stirs and my thoughts are burning me. For her, I've erected a 
sanctuary inside my heart, the only theatre where my passion grows, 
inside the most intimate part of me in order to nurture the love above 
simple desire. This passion is like a deep groundswell that gives 
birth to the foam of my emotions. It's like a constant internal fire 
spreading heat waves throughout my body. The imprisonment of my 
ineffable feelings is pathetic and obsessive. I'd like so much to 
bring this imperishable flame back to the light, where all suffering 
would disappear. But it's impossible.Scully, help me, help us.


"The coffin is empty."

At this moment, a flash of anger seems to shoot out of her; her eyes 
are shining like a stormy thunder filled sky. Despite the weight of 
suffering of thee loss of this child and her inability to have 
another, I know that her character will fight again for the truth and 
for life. This sublime and scary confrontation, I see it on her face 
now, and suddenly, I long to envelop her in my arms and absorb her 
pain and ease it, to protect her from it and to plunge her into a 
cocoon of oblivion. I just would like to see her smiling and be happy 
but I've realized the prodigious indelicacy of such allusion after all 
that has happened here.

"Why Mulder? Why are they always after me? I could never have children 
and they have removed my last chance to be a mother!"

"But you are a mother, Scully.".

"No Mulder. Even if there was a part of me in this little girl, it's 
not enough to be her mother.. I've brought her nothing, but only left 
her to die."

"You helped her Scully. You were there to talk to her, to reassure 
her. You were there for her and especially you protected her. Scully, 
don't reproach yourself for not having done what you should have done 
to save her because there was nothing you could do. You have to go 
beyond death. Where there is every reasons to give in, to escape or to 
discourage, it's necessary to find peace in her memory and to go on 
the fight to find a meaning."

" I know her death is a release from this mysterious sickness and I 
couldn't bear to see her suffer again. I'm sad, Mulder, because she's 
dead but my pain is even more intense knowing that I was a stranger 
for her and she to me. What I mean is that I  had feelings for Emily 
but I didn't have the time to be her mother.It's so strange.I felt so 
close and so far removed from this little girl. My body neither 
sheltered nor fed this child. She's been created without love, without 
my knowing, but with my own ova, illegally taken from me during my 
abduction. She was an artificial creature created by those shadow men 
who are always after me, to break me without daring to show their 

"Scully, we'll find the men responsible.we'll unmask them, together."

"Do you think she knew she was going to die?"

"I think children, even if we don't let them to know the gravity of 
their state, realize the near end and what they leave behind. Those 
children are far from ignorant. Then yes, I think Emily felt she was 
different and dying. And, especially I believe she loved you and 
subconsciously she knew you were her mother".

"At least, I hope where she is she'll find  peace, calm, a place 
without sufferings.I would have liked so much to hear  her call me . 

"You'll hear it one day; you have to believe, Scully."

"But, Mulder, I'm sterile and it doesn't matter how strong my desire 
is to be a mother, I could never give birth to a child. I've lost a 
part of myself that can't be returned to me, that I will never know! 
Do you understand that Mulder ?"

"Yeah, more than you believe,  because if you're in this situation 
today and  it's all my fault! They know that by hurting you they can 
get to me , knowing it affects me too, and that without you I could 
never go on. During your abduction I was completely lost; when you 
were dying with cancer, I was dying too; when I learned you couldn't 
have children, I became sterile as well. If you'll never hear someone 
tell you " mommy", then I'll never hear someone call me  "Daddy."


Then I saw a first single tear slipping from her eye ,down the curve 
of her cheek, giving me time to capture it delicately with the back of 
my hand,  before it got lost forever in her  red hair. I took the gold 
cross from her and gently replaced it around her neck. I felt her body 
leaning towards mine and her arms coming to circle my waist.

"Scully.we'll find a way to make sense of this. Trust me, we'll make 
it happen. Together."

I took her in my arms like I'd wanted to and imagined doing a few 
moments ago. The soothing affect of closeness both connected, and 
revealed a mutual understanding .it's harmonious, almost sacramental.

"Scully.let me support you, share your pain.let me cry with 

The face that was buried in my chest nodded slightly also giving me 
the permission to mingle my tears with hers and express our sufferings 
without hiding them.

"Your pain is normal; it's the proof you're alive. It's necessary to 
accept your feelings and to let yourself cry. The sorrow you're 
feeling doesn't make you less strong or any less courageous."

I tightened my embrace so much so that I don't even know if the 
flowing tears came from her or me. So we stayed like this, snuggled up 
in each other arms. I knew deep down  that I couldn't giver her 
answers to " why" right now and we didn't have build a dam against the 
sorrow, neither to suppress disgust or revulsion at what had happened, 
but I could be there to listen her, to share words and tears, to help 
her to live with questions without replies; comfort her with human 
contact, a touch or a look, We can struggle, seek and hope together.

"Mulder, I'd like to go home."

"Ok, let's go. I take you back to your brother's place?"

"No, no.not over there".

"And your mother?"

"I've already warned her I'd leave with you.".

"But it's your family and."

"Yes, it is.and you are too.Mulder. Even if it's my family, even if I 
love them with all my heart, I don't want to be with them right now. 
They didn't listen and they aren't ready to hear me."

"You know, a lot of people had the same reaction to me; that hurts, 
especially when it's your family.but they aren't blameworthy. It's 
difficult to accept and believe what they don't understand. I do, and 
I'm here for you as you are for me."


"Have you ever had moments when everything gets incredibly clear? When 
time seems to expand?"

"Yes. I.that's so strange."

"You may be more open to things than you think. It's just a matter of 
what you do with it."

"Everything happens for a reason."        

All things


I took her hand in mine sealing our palms to link our common future 
and our heart. We left the church and the sweet rays of the sun came 
to pierce the winter gloom.

"I want you to know that even if my affliction is deep today, I don't 
regret one single second with you. Whatever the losses and suffering, 
I can't imagine the possibility of another life if you aren't with me. 
If I've chose to be here, it's because I've integrated the tissue of 
this life where we have to be conscious about death : it's the Memento 
Mori that dictated it differently, not towards an objective but 
towards a sense. Despite the feeling of powerlessness, despite the 
fear of the unknown and  unforeseen events, despite the sorrow and the 
absence of answers, I realize my view of the world around me has 
changed and that life is an exceptional privilege. I want to continue 
the road to fulfil this void. I realize finally the need to love and 
to be loved, to find the person that will understand and give a sense 
to this existence., because alone, the life doesn't have one." "All 
right then, let's go on this road, partner."

For the first time in days, I saw a smile lightening her face, which 
came to clear the darker horizon. Her eyes spoke to me. I could read 
there an inner intense radiance, the proof that nobody will ever be 
able to annihilate her strength, and her wish to find answers on our 
quest. It's so amazing to see what seemed insoluble, can finds a way 
out and what seemed irremediably confused, unties when we're together, 
listening to each other, until we hear what the ear can't grasp. 
Silent communication.


"I mean, how many different lives would we be leading if we made 
different choices.  We... We don't know."  

"What if there was only one choice and all the other ones were wrong? 
And there were signs along the way to pay attention to?"  

" Mmm. And all the... choices would then lead to this very moment.  
One wrong turn, and... we wouldn't be sitting here together.  Well, 
that says a lot.  That says a whole lot, a lot."  

All things


Mortem Oppetere : it's Latin and it means to go beyond  death.

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