If I close my eyes forever.

                                             AUTHOR: Truthwebothknow1
                                             E-MAIL: K.morse@ntlworld.com
                                             CATEGORY: MT/MSR
                                             RATING:  Strong PG for graphic MT description
                                             SPOILERS: Nope!
                                             SUMMARY:  So this is what it was like to die with his mind wiped 
                                             clean. What a dreadful indictment on someone's life. Surely there 
                                             was nothing worse than this? He clung to a desperate hope that he 
                                             would remember something. Anything...even...even if it was in the 
                                             penultimate second before his heart gave up on his pathetic 
                                             broken corpse.
                                             I wrote this piece for another character in a different genre, 
                                             then I heard this song and decided to rehash it for Mulder. There 
                                             isn't much to identify the character until the end so I thought, 
                                             what the hell. I'm on an X files kick here and this would not go 
                                             Disclaimers: A long time ago in a Galaxy far, far away, lived a 
                                             blonde surfer dude called Chris. He created two of the best 
                                             characters ever to grace the silver screen but he was a 
                                             spoilsport and wouldn't let them out past bedtime or have any 
                                             fun. I'm liberating them because it's about time they came of 
                                             age. I'm only borrowing them to amuse myself and shut up my muse. 
                                             They are still owned by Fox and 1013 and of course Chris, though 
                                             he has neglected them of late..  Mulder and Scully belong to each 
                                             other and William. Il give them back after I've finished playing 
                                             with them. No David Duchovnys were harmed in the making of this 
                                             fan fic but I shamelessly did the deed to his alter ego.  Suing 
                                             would be a pointless exercise as I am as stony as a Biblical 
                                             execution!!! LoL
                                             If I close my eyes Forever
                                             by TRUTHWEBOTHKNOW1
                                             Heaven is in the palm of my hand
                                             And it's waiting here for you
                                             What am I supposed to do
                                             With a childhood tragedy.
                                             If I close my eyes forever
                                             Will it all remain unchanged
                                             If I close my eyes forever
                                             Will it all remain the same.
                                             He stared blankly at the sky. The acrid smell of scorched fuel 
                                             and a sickly odor of cooked flesh invading his lungs , burning a 
                                             red-hot trail down his throat as his brain attempted to make a 
                                             connection with his body. No movement, no sensation......
                                             The sun took on a hazy  surrealness  through eyes filled with 
                                             clouds of blood. His mind screamed out urgent instructions, a 
                                             series of demands that his battered body could do nothing about 
                                             so they went ignored.
                                             There was no memory, not even an inkling of his past life, no 
                                             indication of reasoning for this personal tragedy that left him 
                                             lying here, a discarded piece of flesh just left to rot.
                                             Something tore at the peripheral of his consciousness, parting it 
                                             forcefully, intricately until it had his body in rigors of fear.
                                             A VOICE!
                                             His eyes grew wide as he strained, ignoring the sting of blood 
                                             mingled tears for maximum vision. Not that he could make any 
                                             sense of his surroundings.
                                             As the voice grew more distinct, so did his fear until he was a 
                                             trembling, petrified mass. His whole body shrieked at him for 
                                             relief, which never came and although a scream formed in his 
                                             tortured throat and lodged there, unable to make the transition 
                                             into anything audible. Not even the weakest noise escaped him. 
                                             Through the pain, the confusion and general chaos lighting up his 
                                             body like a Christmas tree, he sensed his strength ebbing away 
                                             from him.
                                             MUST KEEP AWAKE!
                                             There must have been some minute vestige of spirit left in his 
                                             body, for as he tried to lift his head he was rewarded with the 
                                             slightest movement. He paid dearly for it when a dizzying 
                                             kaleidoscope of colors and visions swept over him, making his 
                                             skull smash back down on the hard, compacted earth, knocking all 
                                             remaining air forcefully out of his body. Some of the blood 
                                             cleared in his eyes, replaced by the eye's own natural saline and 
                                             he was able to focus at last.
                                             Through his agonized breaths and rapidly increasing dizziness, he 
                                             stared down at the sticky, crimson stream meandering in the dirt, 
                                             twisting away from his body like a fleeing wild serpent. He 
                                             didn't know how much time had elapsed since he had come to lie 
                                             there. All he knew was that feelings of any sort had long 
                                             deserted his frail bleeding body. He then wondered how it was 
                                             that he had reached conclusion of this implication with such 
                                             disturbing, calm but his brains felt as fried as his body right 
                                             then and it slammed the door on any tangible answer with swift 
                                             THE VOICES AGAIN!
                                             They grew louder, the sounds hammering in his brain, clear as a 
                                             bell now, many times amplified. Distorted beyond sense. 
                                             Terrifying. He tried holding his breath. Pain and nausea overcame 
                                             him at once as his body gave up on him again and forced his lungs 
                                             to suck inward, creating a fresh dimension of sheer excruciating 
                                             pain. Hopelessness ambushed him without mercy.
                                             The sun above was strong and unrelenting as if it were actually 
                                             laughing at his predicament, and just lying there on the ground 
                                             he could see no end to his torture except for death. He found 
                                             himself praying that it wasn't too far away. If I close my eyes 
                                             forever, just close them and let go......
                                             He had an ugly perspective now. One that had him pleading against 
                                             the awful realization that he didn't remember who he was, no good 
                                             memories to bid him farewell, no familiar family faces to take 
                                             comfort in now, his darkest hours.
                                             Nothing  at all. It wasn't death he was afraid of but the fact 
                                             that he had no identity, no name for his epitaph, no one to cry 
                                             at his graveside.  It scared him rigid.
                                             So this is what it was like to die with his mind wiped clean. 
                                             What a dreadful indictment on someone's life. Surely there was 
                                             nothing worse than this? He clung to a desperate hope that he 
                                             would remember something. Anything, even, ....even if it was in 
                                             the penultimate second before his heart gave up on his pathetic 
                                             broken corpse.
                                             A large predatory bird sat on a sharp overhang of rock above the 
                                             sad figure below. It watched with indecent interest as the flies 
                                             picked and buzzed around what was to be its next meal. It just 
                                             sat there, exercising its bizarre pre-dinner ritual by swaying 
                                             and gently undulating its scaly, bald head, waiting for the 
                                             inevitable to happen. It screeched loudly, smelling its prey's 
                                             impending death in the air. Tearing flesh, picking bones clean. 
                                             It's mood more impatient with each fresh scent picked up from its 
                                             intended victim, its yellow beak gleaming in the fierce sun. 
                                             Suddenly without warning, it let out an ear splitting screech! 
                                             Lots of smaller birds nearby took flight in terror, scattering in 
                                             all directions. Their combined exodus creating a maelstrom of 
                                             flying loose rock, dust and feathers...., Which cascaded down on 
                                             the frail, motionless figure below.
                                             He made an abortive effort to shield his eyes as the thundering 
                                             rocks competed loudly with his pounding heart. The dust and 
                                             debris raining down all over him made him choke and gasp.
                                             There was no defense he could offer against the relentless 
                                             falling rocks that impacted with his body; one by one they hit 
                                             him, his face, his hands becoming red pulps, feeling the warm 
                                             eerie gush of blood run down his body, layered on top of what had 
                                             already slicked out all over him after the crash. As he prayed 
                                             for death the rocks continued to fall covering half of his body, 
                                             turning his dark hair to chalk white. His clothes torn like 
                                             bloody rags, indistinguishable from the rest of the chaos of 
                                             smashed bone, crushed organs and blooded earth. Despite all this, 
                                             he sensed he was still alive, but just barely.
                                             Breathing was almost impossible. He had survived but he no longer 
                                             felt any pain from the rocks that still fell against his body. 
                                             How was that possible? Flashes of people's faces fought their way 
                                             into his troubled mind. Smiling faces that he thought he should 
                                             recognize but didn't. He saw the warm eyes of a woman with  an 
                                             angelic smile and flaming red hair, calling him by a name he 
                                             couldn't hear. Pictures without sound, faces without names, just 
                                             like him. If this was the past, it was devoid of any clues. He 
                                             heard a woman's frantic voice, "Mulder?  Oh God, Mulder......"   
                                             then nothing more.
                                             Suddenly, he was aware of a new sensation. Not pain but a 
                                             strange, almost tranquil consciousness. He felt as light as a 
                                             shadow on the wall, just floating and swaying, seeing nothing, 
                                             feeling nothing.
                                             He opened his mouth to speak but no words came from it. Time 
                                             passed .The floating persisted, just like the crashing of his 
                                             heart - some malevolent being fighting for room in his chest. 
                                             There was no panic, just a sickly warmness about everything that 
                                             should have unnerved him. His brain was curiously telling him to 
                                             be afraid in direct contradiction with his body, almost if they 
                                             had been separated somehow. He found himself thinking it was 
                                             strange, and then the thought struck at him: Was he already dead? 
                                             Was this some sort of odd nightmare of his brain's own creation? 
                                             He had known way of knowing. It was as if his mind and soul had 
                                             taken leave of his body and was being propelled at light speed 
                                             through space and time. He took comfort in that notion but 
                                             couldn't fathom why.
                                             Then the sensation changed again! After the floating, he became 
                                             increasingly surprised and alarmed to be so still again. He 
                                             clawed desperately at the sanctity of the remaining calm in his 
                                             body but it finally abandoned him, tossed him aside like a lost 
                                             cause, not looking back and finally he slipped, still fighting 
                                             it, into the dark eeriness of unconsciousness.
                                             "Mulder?"   That gentle voice he'd heard before in the midst of 
                                             his nightmare cut through the blaring monitors, that sterile odor 
                                             that told him he was languishing in his favorite hotel, the ICU, 
                                             each syllable stroking his raw heart and easing its trembling.
                                             He felt cool peppermint breath  against his cheek, so close to 
                                             him now. Warm
                                             fingers barely stroking his temple. Strands of hair tickling his 
                                             face as his Demerol heavy eyelids felt compelled to try and open. 
                                             For her.
                                             His eyes were gritty, blurred, but then there she was, he focused 
                                             on perfect deep blue orbs as they swam into view. She smiled 
                                             nervously and something broke open inside of him.
                                             Her eyes said how much they loved him and he felt his battered 
                                             lips pull into a shaky semblance of a smile.  A single tear 
                                             caught the light and spilled down her cheek.
                                             "It's going to be all right, Mulder, You are in Denver University 
                                             Hospital. You had a car accident.  Someone ran you off the road 
                                             and forced your car into a ravine. You were hurled through the 
                                             windscreen. The girl you came to see, the psychic, she dreamed... 
                                             or said she dreamed where you were.  It's a good thing she did, 
                                             or we would have never found you. You were out all night, its 
                                             been touch and go. "
                                             She sighed and looked away, catching her breath, everything came 
                                             out in a stream, momentarily locked in a hell that he had no 
                                             memory of but could see in her eyes, in the way she breathed. 
                                             "Its bad Mulder, your like a broken doll. You've been here 
                                             comatose for three weeks.  I won't lie."  She took a deep breath. 
                                             "You really outdid yourself this time. You have multiple 
                                             serious injuries that read like a grocery list. You broke just 
                                             about everything, Mulder, what you didn't break you lacerated or 
                                             dislocated. Legs, ribs, pelvis. A couple of vertebrate. Your 
                                             spinal cord is bruised and you have a skull fracture. They iced 
                                             you to bring the brain swelling down. Then you kept trying to die 
                                             on us."  She blinked, barely holding on to control. " But you are 
                                             here, you're alive and you have more metalwork inside you than 
                                             "T2"  Airports are going to be fun from now on.   It's going to 
                                             be rough, Mulder, this will be a long haul and there's just no 
                                             getting out of  here in a hurry.  Together we will get through 
                                             this. I Promise."   Warm fingers squeezed his hand, the only part 
                                             of him he could feel.
                                             More tears.
                                             "Who am I, Mulder?" Do you recognize me? "  Eyes that were filled 
                                             with love also harbored so much fear.
                                             " ...Scully" he mouthed silently around the myriad of 
                                             intubations. If he tried really hard, he could just move his 
                                             middle finger against her warm palm. He felt his hand brush 
                                             against her cheek as she lifted it to her lips and kissed him, 
                                             each swollen finger.
                                             She was the only thing that made sense. Her eyes had called him 
                                             back from the abyss. Anything else they said with their eyes 
                                             negated the use of words. He was safe and she was by his side. 
                                             Fingers that worried lightly against his heavily bandaged chest 
                                             reiterated that to his heart.  Nothing else mattered but that 
                                             "Shhh, Sleep now." Her voice was barely a whisper as she pressed 
                                             her lips lightly to his, carefully avoiding the tubing.  "I'm 
                                             here."     Soft fingers gently stroked his hair, his tension 
                                             sliding away with her loving touch.
                                             Mulder tuned out the monitors concentrating only on her soft 
                                             words as they caressed him; his breathing and heart rate easing 
                                             him back into sleep. Despite everything, he relaxed, relief 
                                             tumbling inside him like butterfly wings.   Now he could close 
                                             his eyes. Not forever.
                                             Just for now, just for a little while, safe in the knowledge that 
                                             the only bright light of his existence would be shining there 
                                             when he opened his eyes again.
                                             Close My Eyes Forever
                                             Written by Lita Ford & Ozzy Osbourne
                                             (1992) & 'Greatest Hits Live' (2000)
                                             Baby, I get so scared inside
                                             And I don't really understand
                                             Is it love that's on my mind
                                             Or is it fantasy.
                                             Heaven is in the palm of my hand
                                             And it's waiting here for you
                                             What am I supposed to do
                                             With a childhood tragedy.
                                             If I close my eyes forever
                                             Will it all remain unchanged
                                             If I close my eyes forever
                                             Will it all remain the same.
                                             Sometimes it's hard to hold on
                                             So hard to hold on to my dreams
                                             It isn't always what it seems
                                             When you're face to face with me.
                                             You're like a dagger and stick me in the heart
                                             And taste the blood from my blade
                                             And when we sleep would you shelter me
                                             In your warm and darkened gaze.
                                             If I close my eyes forever
                                             Will it all remained unchanged
                                             If I close my eyes forever
                                             Will it all remain the same.
                                             Will you ever take me
                                             No, I just can't take the pain
                                             But would you ever trust me
                                             No, I'll never feel the same, Oh.
                                             I know I've been so hard on you
                                             I know I've told you lies
                                             If I could have just one more wish
                                             I'd wipe the cobwebs from my eyes.
                                             If I close my eyes forever
                                             Will it all remained unchanged
                                             If I close my eyes forever
                                             Will it all remain the same.
                                             Close your eyes
                                             Close your eyes
                                             You gotta close your eyes for me.

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